A fairytale in which I talk about myself in third person.

Once upon a time, there was a woman on a mission to lose a little weight and fit into her favorite black dress. She joined Weight Watchers and started off strong, losing 5 lbs and feeling good about it. Then, a disaster happened. Not a figurative disaster, but a real and true natural one that overflowed a river in a major American city and caused destruction across several states. The woman suddenly had to travel to a sort-of-faraway land (it felt farther away because people said “y’all” a lot) and help people recover from a flood. It was exciting because she’d always wanted to go and help, but it was a little bit scary at first. What would she see? Would she know what to do? Would she have to sleep on a cot? Would she be forced to eat weird things? To ease this anxiety, she decided on the flight there to cease Weight Watchers during her deployment and to just try and stay healthy. It was an amazing experience in every way. She met many wonderfully patient and funny and compassionate people who were either helping or being helped. And she stayed in a nice hotel and got to eat a lot of good Southern food. And though sniffles and sneezes surrounded her, she stayed germ-free. By the time she came back two weeks later, she had gained back all 5 of those lbs. She didn’t care. She went out and bought a sexy size 10 Calvin Klein dress at the Rack to wear to a wedding mere days after her return. She felt good and gave herself some time to process what she had seen and done and to spend lots of time on the couch snuggling with her lovely boyfriend. Then, finally, today, she went to the grocery store and filled her house with veggies and tiny pieces of chocolate and other yummy things. We’ll see, dear readers, if that 5 lbs survives for long without being banished to its evil fat-ass kingdom forever. The end.